How to Better Love Yourself in a Relationship with Laura Denke
Many people struggle to love themselves when they’re in a relationship. They become so consumed with the other person they forget how to feel like themselves again. However, truly loving someone else happens only when you know how to love yourself. Today, I’m interviewing Laura Denke, a licensed marriage and family Therapist, on the importance of positive self-talk and compassion when trying to foster long-lasting relationships.
Who is Laura Denke?
Laura Nielsen Denke is a licensed marriage and family Therapist and a nationally certified mental health counselor. Before deciding to become a therapist, she was a ballerina in New York City, got a degree in Theater, Arts and Communications, and founded and directed the Seattle Children's ballet company. She later wrote and directed a children's television special called Adventures on Sinclair Island and served as the host of a television series called Teens Talk. She also held the position of Executive Vice President of Victory Studios for many years.
Miss Denke is the author of 10 Secrets for Achieving a Successful Celestial Marriage*, Don’t Get Engaged (Until You Read This Book)*, and Before Your Wedding*, a do it yourself premarital counseling course. She has over 20 years of experience helping couples improve their marriages and as a popular speaker around the country. Miss Denke has been married to her husband Conrad for 35 years and has two children and four grandchildren. Tune in to the episode to hear the full story.
How Negative Internal Thoughts can Lead to Relationship Problems
Laura says something that hits home when asked if couples who struggle share something in common. She says, "One of the common threads is self talk. And I find that most people are so hard on themselves. They might have compassion for friends and everybody else saying, Oh, no, you're fine. Oh, you did the best you could, oh my gosh, they compliment other people, but they don't compliment themselves. And instead, it's as if they have a cat of nine tails that they use on their back to beat themselves up with horrible physical scars, but they're doing this in their mind. And so they leave these mental scars that they inflict upon themselves because they don't know how to do proper self talk.”
She goes on to explain that we can trace these negative responses to their roots. Laura gives a powerful example from her own life that shaped how she reacted to failures. She looked up to her older sister who got straight A’s in school and wanted to do the same. However, when Laura was in junior high she ended up getting all A’s on her report card except one C.
“I cried and cried and cried to my parents and I said, I'm so sorry, I'm so stupid. And I'm not as smart as my sister and woe was me. And the most amazing thing happened. My dad said, Oh, no, Laura, we're proud of you that you got a C. Because we know that you did the very best you could. And that's all your mother and I ever ask of you, that you just do the best that you can. And always remember, we're proud of you."
That moment changed her self talk forever. “I had done the best I could. My parents knew it. So I knew it. So I could have compassion on myself. Well, that became really in my life, a marvelous paradigm for my life. I'm not criticizing myself. Why? Because I did the best I could. And if I could just get people to say to themselves, I'm proud of myself. I did the best I could.”
Learning Positive Self-Talk and Being Kind to Yourself
Another reason Laura felt she could give herself positive self-talk is because of a spiritual knowing. “I'm here to learn and grow. And every day is a learning and growing experience. So I can always look back on the mistakes I make and say, well, Laura, I'm proud of you...because really, we all do the best that we can and to all your listeners out there, you are doing the very best that you can. So don't beat yourself up instead see the good and just say, you know, I didn't know what I know.”
She then shares a tangible way you can start catching those negative thoughts. “I like to divide up thoughts and sometimes I will have people write out their thoughts for an entire week and put them under the categories of:
Truth
Irrational - or maybe it's catastrophic. Maybe it's future rising, anything that is about irrational thought.
Evil inspired - whether a person is a Christian, a Muslim, whatever religion that they are, there is good and evil. Even literature, all great literature shows Good and Evil.
So there are some thoughts that we have that we can just say no, that's coming from a dark place. I will not have any part of that in my life. If the thought we have is under truth, we can say, well, that is true. I did make a mistake in what I said to my boyfriend or my girlfriend or my husband or my wife, or my best friend. But I can change that.
And the truth is, I can call them up say, I'm sorry, talk about how to fix it. How can we get along better the next time? So we do have to look at that. There are things that we have to change in our life, but we don't go irrational and say, Oh, I'm stupid. I'm stupid. I'm stupid. Well, no, we're not stupid. We're learning. We're growing.”
Being Your Own Source of Love
How we learn to process and react to situations carries into how we relate to others. Laura says, “sometimes we get in relationships because we need healing. And if we're lucky enough to attract someone who also needs some healing, we give each other the kind of love that each other needs.”
But what’s most important is to “recognize, okay, I'm wounded. I was wounded on the battlefield of life. And I need love. And I'm gonna have to give it to myself right now because there isn't a person in my life, who can give me the love that I need.” This even applies to people in relationships where they’re not getting the love they need.
To get the love you need Laura says she believe, “in affirmations of where you write down positive statements that you say to yourself every single day, and you become that person. And it might be things like, you think about what your gifts and talents are, that are given to you from God…So people out there who are listening today, think about what your gifts and talents are that you've had since you were a young girl, a young boy, and you know that you have…We all know deep down inside certain gifts that we have.”
Affirmation
I feel an expansive, warm, never-ending love for myself. I allow myself to be open in close relationships because my trust lies in the foundation of God and the universe. And through that powerful energy, I am always safe and whole, regardless of how others deal with their own wounds.
Resources
Ten Secrets for Achieving a Successful Celestial Marriage*
Don’t Get Engaged (Until You Read This Book)*
Laura Denke’s Official Site.
Connect with Laura via email: laura@victorystudios.com
*This is an affiliate link. Purchasing through affiliate links helps fund The Good Space at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting us!
