Hustle culture is dead. Did our drive go away? Or did it morph into something new?
Today, I want to talk about ambition. Right now, I’m in the middle of my own reckoning with it. If you’re feeling the same way, then this episode is for you. We’re beginning to dismantle what ambition means and how it shows up. It’s not us that’s the problem but the environment. I don’t want to feel like I have to contort, trim, or lessen who I am to fit an idea the world presents to me. So I’m opting out. Demolishing ideas and beliefs to rebuild one brick at a time. My question becomes….does ambition have a place in my life if it’s not the hustle and grind way? Let’s talk about this.
To take a page from an article by Anne Friedman, “Women are in the midst of a revolutionary reckoning with our ambitions.” Boy, am I in the middle of my own reckoning. If you are too then this episode is for you.
In a recent interview I did with Stephanie Sellers she said the best way to remove implicit biases against women is to live our own experiences. To own and claim them outside of any male or voices, in general, that tell us how we need to experience the world. This episode is my way of living my experience with ambition. Of opting out of the way the world says I need to consume and digest ambition. Of talking in real time about what I’m processing with the hope you feel some inspiration when it comes to your own relationship with ambition.
Ambition is changing
As a new mom my idea of what’s important changed over the last year. I’m feeling my self-made walls of ambition crumbling down. Both terrifying and liberating experiences. My therapist a few months ago asked why I was afraid to accept the reality of where my life’s at that this reckoning even began. She made me realize I was holding onto a way of thinking and working that no longer fit my season of life.
Yet I kept clinging to and wanting to go back to my ambition and what I knew it to be. Growing up I always felt like I was meant for something bigger than myself. I had a natural talent and passion for songwriting and singing and was obsessed with it for most of my youth and teenage years. This led me to move to Los Angeles after high school, network like crazy for a year to then land my first job in music at Rock Mafia Records.
Then from there working with a big music manager and famous singers and bands. After 6.5 years, I burnt out and didn’t want the lifestyle music offered. So I stepped away to work in marketing and after 6 months moved to Zurich for my husband’s job. That time period was peak ambition for me. This constant fire burning within me. A feeling I’ve chased ever since. Seeing what I was able to accomplish fueled me. So why can’t I replicate that ambition anymore? What’s wrong with me?
Women rejecting traditional ambition
I diminished where I was in my life because my sense of ambition and accomplishment didn’t match that time in music I felt down and sometimes worthless. Maybe I believed if I didn’t feel obsessed and on fire then I was failing or it wasn’t worth pursuing. Very all or nothing.
What I didn’t understand is ambition isn’t meant to be sustainable. It also morphs and changes as I would change. A career or body of creative work is built over a sustained period of time with starts, stops, and growth. But I couldn’t accept it. And this is why:
Until recently, society very much glorified the hustle-and-grind model. If I wasn’t constantly busy then I’m lazy. If I’m not writing down goals for each week, month, quarter, and year then I’m unproductive. I know I’m not alone in this. Anne Friedman says, “What’s happening now is a restlessness, a searching, a wholesale reexamination of the role that work should play in a woman’s life and identity.”
Of course, for some women finding fulfillment in work isn’t even an option. They have to put food on the table and work is a necessity. This new thought on ambition is a more recent development for those who get paid a salary with benefits. Who believed they could advance feminism alongside their careers.
We’re beginning to dismantle what ambition means and how it shows up in life. It’s not us that’s the problem but the environment. I don’t want to feel like I have to contort, trim, or lessen who I am to fit this idea the world presents to me. So I’m opting out. Demolishing ideas and beliefs and rebuilding one brick at a time. My question becomes….does ambition have a place in my life if it’s not the hustle and grind way?
Meaningful vs. Validating Ambition
In the same article I quoted earlier, the author shares an idea from the book All the Gold Stars by Rainesford Stauffer. Stauffer “makes a distinction between ambition that is rooted in personal meaning and ambition that is about proving external worth. Meaningful ambition often centers on things like community and creativity, with goals like feeling connected, whole, and healthy. It '‘typically doesn’t come with that pressure cooker sensation of, ‘Oh my God, I’m falling behind. I’m the only one who isn’t doing enough.’”
When that feeling of not doing enough kicks in this is when it’s important to have a clear idea of what matters most. I realized I couldn’t do everything before having a baby. And that’s even more true now that I do have one. Yes, there are millions of options out there for me. But a good life means I have to hone the gift of discernment. Be picky. Be choosy.
What can I delegate? What do I need to leave in the sink or on the floor? This is where having my therapist really helped. And I don’t think anyone can truly do this work without support. Even if it’s a friend or family member.
It’s one thing to realize you want to shift your career or goals in a more purposeful and meaningful way. Another is to figure out what it takes to actually do it.
Friedman says:
“For ambition to be sustainable, it has to be personal and complex, not just about rising through the ranks. For every woman who is burned out after placing too much value on work as a key component of her identity, the task isn’t letting go of ambition altogether. It’s relocating those ambitions beyond the traditional markers of money, title, and professional recognition. Ambition does not have to be limited to a quest for power at the expense of yourself and others. It can also be a drive for a more just world, a healthier self, a stronger community. And it’s definitely achievable in soft pants.”
Now let’s talk about other ideas involving ambition that I’ve started to dismantle and opt out of.
The harder you work the more you make*
Already this saying is problematic. Throw in there “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” too. Waiters and single parents work harder than most yet I don’t see their sheer amount of hard work making them millionaires or having the luxury of time freedom. There’s a lot more that influences those outcomes than just hard work.
Of course, where or what you work in matters. There’s a path and earnings cap for almost any industry or job. Someone who works in fast food probably has a lower cap on what they can make and the paths they can take. Compared to a real estate mogul.
*Depends on what you work hard on.
Someone like Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift work hard, yes. But not doing laundry. Or cleaning the house. Or running errands. They have the privilege of putting the energy they do have toward only the things that move the needle. The obstacles that stand in their way of executing their highest creative, savvy self are far less than most average people.
This made me take a mini inventory, as a thought exercise, into what “obstacles” are in my life that stops me from fully leaning into my creative endeavors. Then I asked “What would it actually take for me to accomplish my biggest ambitions? Would I or could delegate to remove some of those obstacles?” The answer I got was what it would take to reach my highest ambition isn’t feasible in this season of life.
So what is? How can I adjust to make this ambition more palatable? I also learned in this exercise that I didn’t want to give up more time with my daughter so I could work more. A revelation for sure.
I’m here to make progress and encourage myself. Not set me up for failure. So I learned to accept my reality and have the compassion to adjust my ambition to fit my season of life. As someone who doesn’t have the resources or teams that Kim and Taylor have what IS worth the energy and resources I have? How can I cut to the chase here and only focus on what matters?
Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
As I’ve grown I realize how every little advantage matters. I bet if two equally ambitious and driven people started pursuing their passion at the same time but one had parental support, financially and emotionally, didn’t have to get a typical job, ate well, etc. Their only focus was practicing, creating, and networking. Let’s say 80% of their energy goes purely toward this passion.
The other person doesn’t have the same family support. They have to work two jobs to make ends meet and cobble things together to meet their basic needs. Their passion can’t be their main focus. Let’s say 40% of their energy goes toward their passion. You’ll quickly see one advancing faster and larger than the other.
You’re failing because of your mindset and energy.
Yes, mindset and energy in a person matters. But it’s not the only thing that influences the life someone has or who they are as a person. We have to stop thinking one sliver of the whole defines the rest. And that it’s our fault we’re not where we want to be.
Can we drastically change our lives if mindset and focus is the main reason we find ourselves in a situation? YES! If that’s the reason. But that’s not the only reason.
There are circumstances and seasons we find ourselves in that affect the reality of our lives. For example, I’m a new mom. It’s been a wonderful spiritual transformation but also a tough transition. I literally do not have the same 24 hours as someone like Taylor Swift. Or even a single woman.
My time, out of necessity, involves caring for this little human and unless I delegate every task involved in taking care of my daughter I don’t have the same energetic capacity to put towards my work. It doesn’t matter how my mindset or energy is. It won’t magically make that reality change.
There are systems all around us that make it easier or harder to get certain results. In society for sure. Even in our businesses and daily lives. If we have a poor home system or business system then everything feels draining, discouraging, and overwhelming. If we started in an economic status that makes the people, opportunities, and access to education a certain level then that affects the starting place of that person.
Yes, people in poverty can have a better life. Wayne Dyer was raised in an orphanage. He managed to go to school, get his Ph.D. in Psychology, and live his passion on a huge scale. Then you have a lot of people who started ahead and still became successful but with a much lesser push and stress than others.
Work has to be your whole life
It’s ok if work is just that…work! Remove the pressure. My joy comes from creating and being present with my family. NO amount of money to me is worth not having that freedom. The only way I want to make a ton of money is my way. Is in a balanced and connected way. Otherwise, I don want it.
Ambition only applies to money and power
I’m learning that nope. We can have ambitions in other avenues too. In relationships, health, and even ambitions to NOT work. The sky’s the limit!
Extra Resources
Podcast/Blog: How to choose yourself instead of your self doubts with Lia Valencia Key
Article: Ann Friedan on women rejecting traditional ambition
Article: What to do when you feel like a failure (Forbes)
Podcast: What happened to my ambition? (Work Appropriate)
Email: Who am I without my ambition? (Downtime)
Affirmation
I’m ambitious in the unfolding of my truest, natural life. I walk toward my ambitions through laughter and inspiration.
Writing Prompt
What “obstacles” are in my life that stop me from fully leaning into my creative endeavors? What would it actually take for me to accomplish my biggest ambitions? Would I or could I delegate to remove some of those obstacles?” If not, how can I adjust to make this ambition more palatable?
